Irony
When your husband tells you he won’t go to your baby shower because its gay, and as you are opening your gifts, he’s across the street getting hit on by a man.
Held Captive: Week 30 (or 31, or something like that)
Yes, I’m still pregant, and I’m beating the bars of a prison with a tin cup! All foods result in severe and extreme heartburn. I’m thinking that a strange man could possibly lure me into his bedroom at the promise of an endless supply of Tums…or perhaps an erotic massage using Phillip’s Milk of Magnesia? Not that it matters, because my tummy is so big, I can no longer see my va-jay-jay. So if anybody has any advice on one handed ”grooming” pre-doctor’s visits using a lipstick mirror in the shower, I am all ears!! Oh, and if there is any way I can relieve that incredibly sexy “I’ve just swallowed John Goodman” feeling, please let me know!
In other news, I got on my high horse, got out my lasso, and roped Mr. Blogarella once and for all. I made an “honest man” out of him on June 28th.
Tatas!
Some women are blessed with these wonderous gifts, some are not. I’m of the latter, and I didn’t even have anything that resembled breasts until I was at least 18 because I was such a late bloomer. When you get knocked up, bosoms go awry, get fantasticly painful, and fantasticly big. So for the ladies that already have gynormous bozongos lovingly tapering down from your chest, you have my sympathies. But girls like me are thanking the melon gods for bestowing their luscious round grapefruits of glory upon me. Sure they hurt, but damn, they look good! Since I’ve gotten pregnant, I’ve worn more low cut shirts than I ever, and not surprising, Mr. Blogarella has had to fight for survival from any possible booby induced suffocation. (more below the pic)
Now onto the not-so-fun aspect, people asking you “are you going to breast feed?” Apparently if you don’t breast feed, you will resurrect Satan into an earthly being and eternal hellfire will be christend upon you. That, and you will go bankrupt from buying formula and your child will be forced to wear tattered rags until its old enough to manage a fast food restaurant, because they will be so stupid from not being breast fed, that this will logically be the only place they can be employed. Let me make this clear ladies: THIS IS YOUR BODY! A lot of people will do a great job of telling YOU what to do, but in the end, you need to make your own choices. Don’t let anybody guilt you into making a choice like this. If you want to breast feed, great, if you don’t want to breast feed, great. If anybody gives you any crap, let them know that its none of their damn business anyway! 
