Escape From Sane by Blogarella

And why the hell not!  For over an hour my stomach has felt like I have something growing inside of it the size of freaking Godzilla.  It hurts damn it!  Ever see those commercials where they wet paper towels and squeeze them out to show you how absorbant they are?  Imagine that, only in real time, and its happening in your freaking body!!  I’m only able to type this stupid post because my stupid doctor hasn’t called my stupid ass back.  I keep reading about “false labor” and I guess if a baby pops out right here, then it wasn’t a false alarm.  I want to punch somebody, but mostly my doctor, well, my husband too for getting me pregnant.  I’ll keep you all posted, you’d never know it, but I love my readers, but lets not make love to celebrate the love because babies are going around like the flu and I don’t want to catch another one this soon!

Blogarella is told on a daily basis that she is lovely and absolutely glowing.  What these people don’t see is that the offspring is exhibiting rock star-esque behavior.  She might not have a hotel room to trash, but my internal organs and my rib cage will make a worthy substitute.  A kick here, a punch there, and who knows, maybe something might get broken.  I can’t bill her for the damage, but I can reserve it for punishments later in life.  If she wants an allowance, I’ll simply send her a bill for the 9 months that I carried her. 

However, thats not to say that mommy hasn’t had some rock star behavior of her own.  Recently when a flight was excessively delayed, I said aloud “If this plane doesn’t come soon, I’m gonna have a baby!”  Apparently there were several mortified looking onlookers and Mr. Blogarella asked me to refrain from making such statements again.  But, I think the worst was when I had to call Mr. Blogarella after receiving an incorrect bill in the mail and I told him “I’m so pissed off I’m having contractions!”  He’s smart enough to tell me to “breathe” when I’d rather “punch” but all and all, I think if he can survive my pregnancy, then he becomes eligible for the Husband of the Year Award.

While travelling with my super sized tummy, courtesy of il bambino, I was screamed at by airport security.  He came running over screaming “YOU HAVE A PROHIBITED ITEM IN YOUR BAG!”  The woman next to me looked me up and down and said “but she looks so innocent!”  The angry security officer reached into my bag and pulled out the prohibited item, which was not lighter fluid, WD-40, or even fireworks.  It was a lonely bottle of Teddy Bear honey that I drink with my tea.  Clearly I’m going to hell.