Escape From Sane by Blogarella

And I feel just a little bit dirty!   

I’m going to be a mom, and I’m the last person anybody would trust with a delicate object, this is not a joke!  When my cousin was getting married in a tent, I received a special phonecall asking me to please not dance on the tent poles, and I’m so inept that I once managed to make a Pampered Chef  pizza stone explode into several tiny pieces. 

Despite my flaws I fell madly in love, took my lover’s hand, and ran off into the sunset…then I woke up….pregnant! I’ll never forget the first indication, which came in the form of severe nausea.  Looking at my love, I whispered “you knocked me up” which he didn’t believe.  3 positive pregnancy tests later, he still didn’t believe it.  A doctor’s visit confirmed my psychosis diagnosis. 

So now was the time to celebrate, right?  Heck no!  There was sick to be had, and lots of it!  All sorts of crazy things that nobody tells you about, and uncontrollable emotions that make you want to drop your beloved off at his mother’s house to live for the duration of your pregnancy.  She insists that he’s my problem now, but I’m wondering if a bag of money would change her mind?   

Now I’m farther along, I’m slightly calmer, but my bump looks more like that of somebody who spent a weekend binging at a kegger.  I’m far from home, I want my mommy, and I find other pregnant women to be a lot more chipper than myself.  When I’m asked how many weeks I am, I get out my fingers and start counting “one month is 4 weeks…”  I’d rather not be basting my stomach with special oils like I’m some sort of Thanksgiving turkey, and I’ve yet to be hit with the inclincation to go baby shopping.  I haven’t even purchased maternity clothes.  I’m having way more fun trying to keep people guessing, and have considered pulling a Jennifer Lopez and not admitting that I’m pregnant until I can no longer see my feet.

Now I just need to figure out how to feel sexy when you feel like you just swallowed the world globe from your junior high history class.  And how to stay sexy when you are a crazed sleep deprived woman that will threaten to slice her beloved if he doesn’t bring her Cafe du Monde!!!!!